Posted by: rachelanne229 | March 27, 2010

hang on sloopy

life is a huge bitch sometimes.  but intertwined with the challenges are priceless bright moments.  and i’m finding that ignoring the heartache and cherishing these moments is not only possible, but sometimes easy.

i had a little piece of my heart broken last nite.  not a big piece, but just the right size so that you wake up in the morning feeling like you know something is wrong, but you can’t remember quite just yet, and then it hits you, and you have to work extra hard to pull yourself together and get out of bed.  but whatever.  as i get older i’m starting to think that if you’ve ever been in love, you carry around this perennial burden of heartache forever, usually a dull annoyance, sometimes more than that.  you just don’t focus on it.  you don’t talk about it.  you put on a smile and live your life.  that’s just what people do.

so this is my last hurrah– my last formal acknowledgment of the annoying twinge of sick-to-my-stomach “why can’t i be with the one i’ve loved for so long and still love?”  it’s like saying goodbye.  only giving this thought enough voice to identify that it’s time to let it go.

now you don’t call him, you don’t talk about him, you don’t check his facebook page.  and when you start to think about him, you think about something else, anything else, and the moment passes, and you’re ok again.  you just move on.

today i thought about the price of strawberries at haymarket.  i thought about running long distances.  i thought about my sister going to college.  and grading essays, and home-brewed beer, and whatever the shit else is took to not think about that.  it worked.  but now it’s bedtime and this is the part when you have to make sure you’re straight-out exhausted before your head hits that pillow.  because no matter what you think about now, it’ll turn into how you are sleeping alone when all you really want is to be held by him.  so you go to bed tired and fall asleep fast, and sleep hard until it’s time to wake up to that sick feeling again.  yes, it’ll still be there tomorro, but you’ll have even more to think about then.  and that’s how it’s done.

from here on out, just thinking about the gumdrops and butterflies of it all.

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