Posted by: rachelanne229 | May 13, 2010


whellllp i went and signed up for a 26-miler.  i have that kind of terrified, kind of excited feeling you get when faced with all the important moments in life– like first dates, job interviews, leaving home.  i think my parents and friends from home think i’m crazy.  but i couldn’t not sign up.  i view life as a series of challenges.  life places obstacles or temptations or challenges or treats (doesn’t matter what they’re called, they’re all the same thing) in front of me, saying “oh hey rach, i’m planting this seed in your head, because i know once it’s in there, there’s no way you can ignore it.”  which is true.  once an inkling weasels its way into my head, there’s no turning back– i HAVE to do it.

sky-diving, bungee-jumping, half marathon, skiing that steepest of slopes, not running away from that first date when i was SO scared, flying to Australia, showing up at my first day of grad school, standing up to give the biggest presentation of my life, getting a tattoo, drinking to excess (once or twice…), fighting back shyness and going out with classmates: these are all activities that have terrified me, but by the same virtue, have intrigued and thrilled me, too.

as my love John Wayne once said, “courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”  i do not claim to be a brave person; on the contrary, i’m quite timid.  but i want to be brave, and i can hardly resist a dare, especially when i’m the one to do the daring.  i get an idea in my head, and even if i plan to forego the said idea, i know i won’t.  i know i’ll eventually buckle and will find myself nurturing that seed to fruition.

this sort of attitude may be a dangerous way to live– perhaps reckless or foolish.  yet this attitude has proffered me some of the most elated moments, so of course i can’t stop.  sometimes i think up wild ideas because i don’t think i can do them.  sure, lots of other people can run a marathon.  but I can’t.  i’m not that strong, i’m not that fast, i’m not that blessed with endurance.  but planting that seed in my makes me able.  i WILL do it, i will do it, because i could not live with myself any other way.

every day there are so many occurrences that can’t be controlled.  but elation is a drug, and i keep daring myself to continue chasing it.  i’m fully convinced that the only way to cope with setbacks in life is to follows your dreams and keep pushing the edges of what you think you can do.  cheesefest, i know, but truth.

you start out as a scared little girl, and pretty soon, after you’ve completed these things that you think are too lofty and too outlandish, you realize, “hey, i can do this, i don’t need to be scared anymore.”  at some stage in the process of doing there comes a transformation.  and in the end, the completion of the activity is no longer the success– the success is the elation that comes from this beautiful transformation from pusillanimous (sorry, i had to, haven’t dropped that one since studying for the GREs!) into confident.


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