Posted by: rachelanne229 | July 1, 2010

the most important meal of the day

today was a hell of a day.  i woke up early and went running, even tho my morning runs are usually slow and lacking energy.  my head was preoccupied with thoughts of how to tell the guy i’ve been seeing for a few months that i didn’t think we should be together anymore.  now i’ve been heartbroken before, i’ve dated people for years and years and then we’ve decided to break up, and that is truly painful and gut-wrenching, and all that sappy crap.  so when i decided it was time to get out of this relationship, i didn’t think it would be so bad since we haven’t been dating that long.  but as i came closer to doing the deed, i panicked, got that sick-to-my-stomach sort of feeling that is best friends with Dread.  i was going to hurt him, i was going to be single again, i was going to bring upon myself and him this awkward and unavoidably uncomfortable situation.  none of these thoughts made me too keen to open my mouth and tell him that i lost that lovin’ feeling, if you know what i mean.  i kept thinking of excuses.  “tell him you’re gay!; tell him you’re too busy with research, tell him you just want a ‘break’ and then never call back, tell him you’re still in love with an ex.”  i kept cooking up all these lies because they are so much easier to spit out than, “i just don’t love you.”

but you gotta do what you gotta do.  i prayed for strength and courage to do it.  i prayed for the right words to minimize the potential hurt i could cause.  deep down i know that honesty is the only way to go, no matter how sour the truth may taste coming out.  and i did my best and it just sucked.  sometimes i think i dislike initiating break-ups more than being on the receiving end.  throughout the day i’ve second-guessed myself, thought about calling him and telling him it was just a belated april fools joke, been overjoyed at my new-found freedom, and felt such overwhelming exhaustion that i just don’t know how to feel anymore.

when it all comes down to it (to what, i’m not sure.  the end?  the beginning?  the honest-to-God truth?), i get up early, and he sleeps all day.  that’s the problem.  it sounds outrageous and silly now that i put it into words.  of course i have a laundry list of reasons, some foolish and others fairly substantial, why i wanted to get out of this relationship.  but my biggest sticking point was that he and i approached life differently.  i get up early and go to bed early (well, ideally, not as often in practice), and feel the most like myself and happiest when i can stick to this schedule.  he goes to bed around the time  i start my day, not out of necessity, but out of choice, and i can’t bring myself to respect this schedule.

if i’m going to be with a guy, i want him to be someone who will seize the day with me (hey, i’m allowed to be cheesy in this sort of post, shut up), who will go out for breakfast with me and not balk at my desire to have THREE pieces of toast, who will understand why i like to get up at six on a sunday and start my day with a run while the world is still quiet.  these requirements, if you will, are not too much to hope for.  i find solace in the morning, and comfort in laying down on this side of midnite, as long as boozin’ and homework aren’t on the agenda;)  my staying in bed past 8 or 9 on a weekend morning is a rarity, let alone effin 2 pm.

as i read this post, i realize it sounds selfish and maybe a little elementary.  so what if the guy sleeps in?  give him a break, ok?  but i just can’t see myself falling for a guy who doesn’t like going out for breakfast here and there on the weekends.  this summer has been a time of simplification for me, a time i’ve used to prioritize what matters in my life and what doesn’t.  i’m letting go of the needless complications that breed mediocrity and complacency, and embracing the little moments that inspire me and bring joy.  like breakfast, dammit.  like breakfast.

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Responses

  1. Hells yes! Love this post. My boyfriend and I broke up over a similar reason: we just had fundamentally different approaches to life. You and I have similar life outlooks, I feel….why sleep away the day when there is so much life to live…and trails to run….and oatmeal to eat? Seriously. Hope you’re doing okay. Also, will you be around this weekend? I’m heading up to Boston to visit Sanchez and would love to see you if you’re around. 🙂


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