Posted by: rachelanne229 | September 20, 2010

waiting games

conflicted.  in so many areas of my life.  i like my life to be black and white, right and wrong, yes or no.  i like it to be comical and mirror alan jackson songs and be as simple as apple crisp and ice cream.  love, school, marathon, faith, family, friends.  so much going on.  i want to do what’s right for myself, but i can’t even tell what that is; that’s how muddled i feel.  i don’t want to hurt anyone, i can’t bear to cause someone pain.  yet i can’t neglect my own feelings.  but they change every other week.  i used to be so concrete– i knew what i wanted and who i loved and what i was doing with my life– and these days i feel like there are so many knots that i’ll never get them all untangled in time.

i went to that alan jackson concert with my mom a couple weekends ago, and it HIT me during that show, as AJ was singing about family and love and home.  simple simple simple is all i want.  a guy who gets that, who gets my sense of humor and has a sense of humor all his own, that’s all i need.  a steady job, a cute little house, a piece of life out in the country with a couple kids and a couple dogs and a couple flower beds.  those are my dreams, but the dreams we dream in our youth are rarely the dreams we discover as we get old enough to realize what we really need.  but i’ve had these dreams for a long time, and i can’t help feeling like i’m on the wrong path.  i can’t give up right now, so i will absolutely finish this grad school shizz and keep finding guys who ask me out because they’re impressed by my pizza- and beer-consuming skills (i know they’re astonishing, but come on, i have other wonderful attributes:P).  or maybe i should start looking for a job and remember to love the one who loves me?

i feel ungrateful in being so indecisive.  i have options; i should just pick one and be content.  but what if i’m wrong?  what if i pick the wrong guy and the wrong experiment and the wrong way to live my life?  so many times, after a lot of deliberation, i’ve closed my eyes and plugged my nose and jumped right in, only to find i’d made a less than desirable choice.  so now i’m not doing anything.  i’m waiting.  not doing anything rash this time until i get the lay of the land.  some time to pray, some time to reflect, some time to feel it out.  the knots have to untangle themselves sometime; i just hope i’m left with my dreams intact by the end.

this post is such a sapfest, my apologies.  gotta get the thoughts down tho.  and you really can’t write anything but sap when listening to deana carter.  MMM strawberry wine!

i'll take one of these


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